paper swamp

it is simply annoying…what i’m experiencing now.

I know Jen and Angelo’s story is not an exception…there must be something similar on the internet…there must be people sharing their pains and ordeals online with the others, and then receive surprising support as well. but i just can not find them.

I don’t want to focus much on “photography as a language of expressing trauma”, but more on new media as a mediate, a platform, for the traumatised people to make some change of their lives. But i simply can’t find anything…

Maybe it’s time to give this up and find something else… i don’t know.

又见,一个人的战役

不记得从哪里看来的这句话:一个人的战役,注定单枪匹马。

 

又是新的一年。新年新气象。说得轻松啊,从来没有哪一年,是轻松惬意的。

起码自从上大学以来就没有过。

但是还好,也从没有放弃,没有认输。

忘记了一直以来的乐观主义,从来都没有离开过怀疑主义的阴影。现在也一样。

怀疑过去,是因为开始怀疑自己的现在;怀疑自己的现在,是因为开始怀疑自己的将来。

过去。

曾经以为,自己的四年大学生活,是从废墟中为自己创造出的不可能:三年在上海,半年在香港,半年在德国。找寻任何可能的机会脱离自己原有的圈子,以寻找新的视角,新的生活体验。与此同时,让自己的经历看起来与众不同。回头看看以前的同学,还是被禁锢在原来的地方,生活在自己的小小世界,挣扎着,但是也盲目的满足着。然后就觉得,自己好特别,好有成就感……

但是这样,我就“赢”了么?

现在。

因为原来申请的项目没有成功,来到这个自己以前从没有听过的德国小城,学着自己并不太喜欢的研究生项目。心里还是咽不下一口气,想要脱离这里,就像从前想要脱离上海一样。一个“垫背”项目。这个名词词组,定下了我在这里学习的内容在我心里的基调:无聊,没劲,不是我想要的。所以,我要逃走,我要走。我突然又想起了萨比娜,一个永远在背叛,在逃离的人。她说,逃离是自己的天性,背叛自己曾经背叛的东西,是自己存在的意义。

我是不是也是这样的呢?一切的不满足,永远不会满足。填不满的无底洞。

是不是正因为如此,我才一直得不到自己想要的呢?还是,我从来都只想要我的不到的东西。

将来。

要是一试在试,还是到不了那个地方,怎么办呢?我还有别的选择吗?还是委屈自己,再找一个垫背的呢?我讨厌不能确定的感觉,可惜,我从来都不能确定。未来,是不可能被确定的吧。你永远都不知道事情会怎样发展。我喜欢可以预见结尾的迪士尼电影,但是对于那些自己猜不透,想不到结局的电影,有一种奇怪的瘾。我喜欢,因为那样更刺激。可是在被刺激的同时,我又绞尽脑汁,费尽心机的想要踩到事情的发展方向……

这就是我的宿命。

可是,必须要找到一条路。既然不习惯于走别人已经踏出的路,就要自己走出一条路。不论怎样,一定要冲出去。费尽力气也没关系。也许,这样拼命,才是我想要的生活。

越来越好

今天是还不错的一天。尽管早上的考试死定了。背下来人名,书和文章的名字,然后记住基本内容,甚至出版年份。我不知道这种考试的意义在哪里。考得不好,我也不后悔。

下午的exhibition还不错。我的视频压轴出场。很多人都被感动了。视频结束以后大家都鼓掌了很久。然后不断有人走过来跟我聊起视频有关的问题。有了很多有意思的对话,更进一步的了解了一些人。之后的自己终于感觉到sobered up。从未有过这样的一天,好像自己的社交事业有了惊人的进展。好像有过这么一次,是当朋友带我去一个酒吧同时见到了很多他的朋友们。但是那过去很久了,而且也没有留下再次见面的原因。

看看现在自己的中文写作,真的好尴尬。

不过生活还是充满潜力的,而且会越来越好。要相信。

忙中偷闲,闲得下来吗?

过了一个奇怪的周末。知道的总说各种各样的借口不想看考试的内容,但是后面还是要看的。离考试还有不到二十个小时,还剩五个chapter要看。看看就看看吧,死也不会死太惨。一切原因都在于这个周末,又是痛苦的挣扎什么的,想想都是不必要的麻烦。而已。

还是有收获的。重新发现了各种各样的博客什么的还是很好玩的。逐渐惊叹于这个时代,这个每个人都有强烈愿望表达自己,同时也有平台让他们表达自己的时代。可是,说的人越来越多,听的人越来越少。信息爆炸的同时,所有产生的,掠过人眼睛和耳朵的,之后都到哪里去了呢?

很不习惯这种感觉,好像是各种心情的混合。我不愿意说有些东西对我来说是很重要很重要的,却又是得不到的,这样就让我自己更想得到它。但是又不愿承认自己很想得到。所以就否认这些东西的重要性,说它不存在,不重要。我知道这种感觉不健康,但是又没有办法。

闲够了,尽量回到忙碌中去吧。忙了,烦恼的事情也就少了。

The Desperate Football

On January 21st, 2014, the newly elected President of Chinese Football Association (CFA), Cai Zhenhua said in his inauguration speech that “me administrating foot ball might be embarking on a ‘non-returning road’. Why? Because Cai is regarded as the “God Father” of ping pang (table tennis) in China.

Cai Zhenhua-New president

If he’s not considered “appropriate” for this position, why don’t they elect anyone in football to the presidency? The reason is surprising: Cai is the only nominee. All of the odd things, if you look at them closely with history and context, they are not so odd anymore. CFA has a infamous reputation of being a slam of bribery scandals and corruptions. From the beginning of February, 2012, a storm of cleaning up covered through Chinese football. Up to the head of Football Administration Centre, down to individual players involved in bribery and other scandals, have been sentenced in jail, paying penalty or restriction from football. The discovered result list was shocking: personal bribery at most about 1.3 million yuan (over 1 million €). All of the decision of these cases were made by one or two times of bribery, however, people believe there must be more. Commentators redeem the sentences, no matter to individual or to clubs, comparing to treatment of similar cases in football leagues in other countries, were too slow, too much lighter that thorough cleaning-up was to be achieved. There’s a prevailing opinion that, just as once in The Economics Gady Epstein explained “lead back to the same conclusion: the root cause is the system.” The supervising body of CFA is CFA itself. Despite continuing debate, Chinese football fans choose to stay optimistic and hope-preserving. Now, Chinese football with “a heart full of hope” welcomes its new leader, a former ping pang legend. Is this the dawn of Chinese football?

Cai was a extraordinary ping pang player a few World Table Tennis Championships laureate, a legendary ping pang trainer. Under his command, the Chinese ping pang national team achieved all gold medals in Sydney Olympic games and World Table Tennis Championships in 2001. Apparently he is also a good administrator: in 2009, he was elected as the president of Chinese Badminton Association, in the same year, he was also elected as the president of Chinese Table Tennis Association. Although he has too many glorious achievements in ping pang, he’s not a green-hand in football. He’s reported as a very good “gold left foot” player and a fan of technical style football. This year, he became president of 3 sorts of sport in Chinese Association.

At the end of his inauguration speech, Cai said: “From today on, perhaps I really have embarked on a  ‘non-returning road’. I have no other choice but to keep going. Everybody has a football dream. I don’t paint a perfect picture of my football dream, but I believe the final goal can be achieved. Perhaps I can’t achieve the goal with all of you, but I am willing to pave the way for you. If the space dream can be realised by an ancient legend of immortal flying to the moon, it is not impossible for Chinese football reach our DREAM. There will be one day, when we are able to finally stand on the world-level football stage.”

As President Xi Jinping said, we also want to say: we are waiting for that day.

reference and further reading:

http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/evanosnos/2012/06/chinese-soccer-fixed-matches.html

First Step: Get it done!

Hi! I’m Crystal Heart! Or not…
Homeland: China.
Staying place: Not China.
Knowing a bit English, and want to do something different but not useless. You make your dream come true in your world, I showing my world to you is part of my world.

Recently it came to my mind that Media is an essential way to spread ideas and thoughts, and of course information. Bias always exists among cultures and nations. In this case, spreading of information, like news, is inevitably biased too.
That is why I want to start this blog, in the evening of the lunar New Year’s pre-eve. I intend to show the people outside of my mother country something that 1) inside public media never bother giving an English version, 2) outside media never bother thinking it’s actually important to show their audience a whole picture of this “Hulk”, this green, huge, ugly giant that claims himself to be the good… well, some Hulk fans might scold me because of that. Well again, some love Hulk, some like China 🙂