Mostly it feels like chaos of inspiration and gradually I’m picking out stuff from the mist of it all.
- Hunting idea(s). Ideas are like flies moving rapidly in the chaos that’s the composition of my experience and the source of inspiration. Seeing the ideas flying around is one thing, actually catching one so that I can do something about it is another. Ergo, capturing ideas is step one. I have to mention the ideas that are still flying around, refused to be caught, are not getting anywhere, either. They serve as temptation and distraction… “Maybe in the future” reassurance. Or “it will never be” frustration.
- Doing something with the idea. I usually start free writing at this point. With one topic in my mind, I write down everything that comes in mind. Usually listening to music tracks that might go well with my mood and the topic. Until this part, I’ve been shutting down my thoughts and letting my thoughtless mind go wild. Later in this free writing process, I will find an angle that fits the best both to the purpose of the article I’m writing, as well as to my own interest. This is also when the thoughts start to come in.
- Start writing the article with the found angle and research. This is the part where I will tone down the emotions let by my mind, and let the thinking and logic take over.
- Edit. Completely rational side of the brain’s work. I always have to hold myself back from expanding on certain parts because I “feel like to”. I should spend more time and have more patience for this part, for sure.
- Hit publish and hope it resonates. That’s my goal and then I get to move on.
This is a process which I use the most often. But it’s just part of what I usually do. Revisiting former ideas is another thing that has led to even better results. From re-writing there are new ideas appearing – could be new possibilities, but also could be more distracting flies hovering over my head.
You come to visit again. My old foe.
You make me feel that I’m not good enough to do what I’m doing. I’m not capable. I’m not worthy.
You make me feel everything doesn’t make sense, that everything I do is to fool myself.
“I’m kidding myself.”
“I’m heading nowhere.”
“I’m wasting my time because it’s just the wrong thing for me to do.”
You are the creator of my creative funk.
You always come back when I’m standing alone. You feed on loneliness.
You return to me when I’m impatient to achieve my goals, when I’m obsessed with utilitarianism. You are hungry for the urge and greed for gratification.
You visit when I lack practice, when my streaks are broken for too long. When the skills are unfamiliar and the hands are stiff.
You grow strong and vigorous in time gaps.
But I don’t have time for you.
I know that I will eventually get over you and know you are merely a shadow of my own mind.
So why not now?
Why do I always go through the cycle of letting you mess with my thoughts, waste my time to live and to create, and then get myself out of your mind game only after you’ve had your fun troubling me?
So pack your bag and leave. I’ve got work to do.
“Life was so simple before,” I thought. “Why do I have to get myself so much attachment in life?”
Such thoughts appear whenever something my husband or baby does that irritates me.
Sure, life would have been easier and simpler. Lighter and freer. I could go anywhere I want and do whatever I want; eat whatever I want and drink as much as I want. The world would be opened up to me and there would be uncountable possibilities…
Too bad we can only see the small portion of the whole picture of our own lives.
But we imagine the could-be life down another road as the shining, bright side of that whole picture.
It’s impossible for me to stop myself from thinking about “what would have been…” That’s my sincere reaction to every relationship I have had. I wanted to stay alone and independent. So there is no commitment, no responsibility. So that I can push the “stop” button whenever I can.
But life is just much too meaningful to live like the only star in the sky.
If I am brave enough, my pain triples and happiness times a thousand.
That’s only possible with strings attached.
I took piano lessons for a few years when I was a child.
I had always admired how pianists perform for others. I was very interested in playing the written music. But more specifically, the music pieces everyone can recognise. Another thing I found amazing was composing. Or even improvising on stage.
For the eight-year-old me, a piano playing girl who can not only play the famous notes, but also is able to telling stories with her own creativity, is perfection.
But my piano teacher disappointed me by saying that I would have to take one step at a time to get to where I wanted to go. He said I had to “learn the rules so well so that [I] can break them”.
“There are 88 keys on every full-sized piano. There are innumerable ways to make music from tapping on those keys. So many that you can’t even start. But you’ve got to start from somewhere! The lessons we have here is where you will start.
One step at a time. Build the basic blocks, the structure, the system; develop your taste; discover what you like and what you don’t like; maybe then you will be ready to break everything down. Maybe then you will be ready to create something from these 88 keys that is yours.
But today, your job is to practice the third piece from Czerny OP. 599. Let’s go.”
You can’t break and play unless you have done with learn and build.
Creating might be a calling; working is responsibility.
Answering to your calling is fulfilling, while taking responsibility is often materially rewarding.
Which one are you doing? Or are you lucky enough to do both?
From birth on, my baby already had her traits: nice and quiet, patient, only using the sound of “crying” to “tell” us to check in with her needs.
She’s almost six months old now. Every day she’s become a little more like herself.
But there are still moments where something else takes over her. I can feel that she’s fighting that thing, whenever she’s tired, hungry, anxious, or scared. It’s like only one of them can be in front of the stage and she’s fighting for the right to stay.
What helps her at this moment is some kind of distraction.
If she shifts her focus on something else, away from her hunger, tiredness, or insecurity, she could stay.
Is distraction helpful to pull us out of our own obsessions too?
When we feel we are stuck, trapped, or swamped in something – “taken over by something” – can we use distraction to pull us out, too? In the end, our obsessions are just one aspect of our realities.
We need discipline in our creative life. Sure. But sometimes we tend to forget that leaving space to breathe is vital to our creativity, too.
And the hardest thing is to allow ourselves to make that space.
To take a moment, and breathe.
Creating is too important for me to make it into something I hate. Allowing myself to have that space in my creative work is how I preserve my love. For this reason, I will allow it.
I guess I will be the last one goes to bed. Forever.
Sometimes I do think it feels unfair. Why do I always have to be the one who is making sure everything and everyone is ok before turning in or just resting herself?
But on the other hand, it’s my own choice, too.
I choose to do all these things. I don’t do it perfectly but somehow I feel I have the responsibility to do it.
Is it a sexist thing to do? I mean, am I conditioned to do that and behave like the responsible adult in the newly established family which consists of two adult at the same age and a little baby?
I was not like this at all. What changed?
I was the person who’s taking care of her own shit but now I leave everything to my husband. What changed?
Well, I have him now.
I leave the things in my life that he does better. I take care of the things which he overlooks.
I guess that’s just teamwork.
I guess not everything has to be a sexist thing.
I guess I’m certainly conditioned in many ways. But it doesn’t always have to be that way.
I noticed something interesting today.
I still get annoyed by other people’s babies and children!
It’s proof that becoming a mother didn’t change who I am. Ha!
What about my own baby?
Well, she’s not “a baby” to me. She’s a person. An individual to-be.
I thought I’d become a “baby person” — a loving woman to children of the world. Well, that didn’t happen… I’m surprised.
It’s proof that pregnancy and motherhood change us, but not change who we are.
Isn’t the purest love the most blind and easily misled?
By our ego, ideal, or belief?
We can do so much wrong in the name of love. Where should the limit be? When should you say “it’s over the line”?
It’s almighty, but whatever is almighty can also be the most destructive.
Yes, they are in the name of love too. The destructions.
Shouldn’t we, the mothers and the daughters, be aware of them? Of how far we are going, how far we are letting it go?