Category: Bits of Daily

Regret

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I think I made my eyes worse so that I could wear glasses.

I was 12. I had no idea it was a bad idea.

There were only a handful of kids in my class who wore glasses. Out headmaster, an old, respected woman also did. And my father also. That were probably the reasons why I wanted to wear glasses too.

Well, primarily for the first reason.

Wearing glasses was a scarcity for me. I really thought it was cool to have a little glasses case. When the class started, I could get the case out, open it, and put my glasses on.

Like… a professional looking.

Then I came to high school and the coolest kids I knew were all free of glasses. And I already couldn’t read the whiteboard without my glasses.

What seemed cool changes. So never make an important choice for it if you can’t go back.

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Ass and heart

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“Put your ass where your heart is.”

What do you see from this sentence? While some see the bravery to take a leap, others see actually doing the work to get you where you want to go.

I see the alignment of will and action.

All thinking, no doing. The curse of a generation.

We have been waiting for too long, waiting for the right time, the right space, the right tools and gadgets.

We have been fantasising for too long, about how we have already achieved our goals. The endorphin already rushed to our brains. What holds our motivation high to actually take the steps?

So the only thin we can do is to move our asses and put them to work.

Not just any work.

The work where our hearts are.

Think, but feel first

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Planning is such a “grownup” thing.

Kids never plan. But “making a plan” is almost the first thing we learn from our parents in order to “grow up”. Because we can feel naturally, so the only thing we learn is to think.

“Thinking ahead” is planning. It’s good for us, most of the time.

But when it’s crucial to feel first, we should try to delay the thinking mode. Feeling gives the general direction, planning (calculation) is in charge of the specific steps in that direction.

A baby’s compassion

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“Does it worth it?” A good friend of mine asked me when I said that I was very tired from taking care of my baby.

It’s not easy to answer this question.

Of course the answer is “yes”. But the question needs an elaborated answer.

How do I know it’s worth it? Just because she’s my baby? Because she’s cute?

When do I know it’s all worth it?

“It’s so exhausting. My head hurts from lacking of sleep. My back and arms are hurting from carrying the baby. I have no time to socialise with others, no time to do sports, no time to do whatever I want to do for myself, and my own career. I’m pushing myself physically and mentally to the extreme…

“She’s going through a big growth leap now. She eats more often but doesn’t sleep well. Every time she cries for comfort, and I’m not quick enough there for her, she sounds so desperate that I feel that I was killing her… I try to be a good mother. But when I’m sleep deprived, I’m just not a good mother.

“I’m up every two to three hours now at night to breastfeed her. Sometimes even every hour. One morning it was already getting bright outside.

“My husband just got up. I heard him making his first cup of coffee in the morning. It had been another long night.

“The baby was drinking her fourth feed that night. When she’s hungry, or tired, it feels like she was taken over by a small animal. All the crying and screaming is so… primal. And when she drinks on my breasts, she’s also like a little animal.

“But then this morning she was drinking, and slowly she was full. And waking up.

“And then, she unintentionally looked up to me. Suddenly, her eyes brightened up. It’s like she was saying ‘hey! It’s you!’

“She was looking at me and smiling. That look I will never forget.

“That was a look filled with compassion. Like she knows me, and understands me.

“Like she understands all that I’ve been doing for I love her,

“she understands I’ve been trying my best even if sometimes I think I could do better.

“Like she feels me. She’s not a little animal anymore. She’s my daughter and she’s there for me. And she makes me feel loved, and safe.

“At that moment, I felt relieved, and somehow also forgiven. By myself.

“That’s the moment I know it. Why it’s all worth it.”

The dream to be a dreamer

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I dreamt to be a dreamer, when I was a kid.

A dreamer is someone who creates stuff in her mind, and tells others about them.

The things in her dream make her happy, and others hopeful.

She sees the world around her, and discusses the truth and the disguise with philosophers.

The things she creates in her dreams come from the inspirations she gathered from everything in the universe, from dust to galaxies.

So she’s gotta travel. Her body and her mind.

Yes, she’s also a traveler. And yes, she’s also a reader.

She’s a good listener, and speaker.

She’s not only smart so that she understands, she’s also empathetic so she can empathises.

She’s a dreamer who creates wonderful stuff in her mind.

She tells the world these stuff so everyone is hopeful, and healed.

Today, I am her.

Do you ever get bored sitting comfortably on the beach all day?

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I’m seriously asking.

In my experience, my smallest breakthroughs in life all happened when I was in a rather uncomfortable state in life. Sometimes it feels like I have to choose between “being happy (comfortable)” and “being creatively fulfilled (challenged and actually trying)”.

If I say that my dream is to sit on the beach not worrying about anything all day, because that’d be the most comfortable for me. What should I do if I get bored? IF I get bored?

Maybe I will get bored then. Should I then leave my comfort and go somewhere else?

If I feel bored doing that, doesn’t it mean that i’m so ungrateful that I’m just spoiled by good fate?

Or it’s a sign I should get up and do something to get rid of that boredom asap?

This time I’m really asking.