On the Way to Hamburg

Encountering very nice people is one of my favourite thing on the road. I don’t know if my staying in Germany also applies to the theme “road trip”, like Thelma and Louise. I just know, I like to be on the way, when meeting strangers with the most beautiful smile.

Sitting on the train. Outside of the window, sometimes sunny, sometimes rainy.

on the way to hamburg 1 on the way to hamburg 2 on the way to hamburg 3

The ticket controller approached. He was wearing square, black-framed glasses, tall, with some typical german beer belly and a small nose. He appeared to be nice, because of the smile always on his face, sometimes laughter, when talking to passengers.

I told him, “Sorry that i still need a ticket from Goettingen to Hamburg, I had no time to buy it…”

I wanted to ask, if it’s possible to buy it here. Normally it works.

He smiled, said, “Ok, I will come back to you later.”

Then for a long time, he didn’t come. Maybe he forgot? Or he did not understand what I said? He must come back and check the other people’s tickets that just came aboard the train. I can wait.

He came back, seeming not remember what i asked him.

So I asked again, “Sorry, can i do it now?”

He said yes. Smiled.

“To Hamburg main station?”

“Yes.”

“Hmm, student life, huh? Stressful. Then he came to me a bit closer, said, I give you from Hannover.” Smiled.

That was more than ten euros cheaper than from Goettingen.

“Wow thank you. Yeah. Thank you that you could understand.”

“Well, when you receive you doctor degree, you can just invite me for a coffee.” Smiled, looking at me. He gave me the ticket, I gave him the money.

“Of course I will do that.” I smiled back.

“Have a good day.”

“Thank you, you too.”

 

I will remember this. I will remember him, this sunshine came to my heart when everything was grey and filled with uncertainty.

My career stuck in instability. Financially I was experiencing the biggest crisis of my life. But he came to me, with his understanding and smile, told me, no need to thank me for this little favour, just invite me for a coffee, when you get your doctor degree — when you achieve your dream.

I heard him telling me, you can do it. No matter how unsatisfying right now, it’s going to be ok. Why? Because after you did it, you will invite me for coffee.

Lighted up the greyest part of my heart. On that cloudy, rainy day.

 

It’s amazing how powerful a small nice thing by a stranger is, isn’t it? But on the other hand, whatever the same things told by the closest people around me, they are simply not so much believable to me. Because they are easily sugar-coded by love. The ticket checker definitely did not say these nice things about my study on purpose, but it was precise, right at the point. Although, maybe he did not really think so because he had no idea how I was at study, the outcome was simple — i felt appreciated, recognised, and thankful. Thankful to these nice little things on my way, I know, it will always work out.

Advertisement

paper swamp

it is simply annoying…what i’m experiencing now.

I know Jen and Angelo’s story is not an exception…there must be something similar on the internet…there must be people sharing their pains and ordeals online with the others, and then receive surprising support as well. but i just can not find them.

I don’t want to focus much on “photography as a language of expressing trauma”, but more on new media as a mediate, a platform, for the traumatised people to make some change of their lives. But i simply can’t find anything…

Maybe it’s time to give this up and find something else… i don’t know.

又见,一个人的战役

不记得从哪里看来的这句话:一个人的战役,注定单枪匹马。

 

又是新的一年。新年新气象。说得轻松啊,从来没有哪一年,是轻松惬意的。

起码自从上大学以来就没有过。

但是还好,也从没有放弃,没有认输。

忘记了一直以来的乐观主义,从来都没有离开过怀疑主义的阴影。现在也一样。

怀疑过去,是因为开始怀疑自己的现在;怀疑自己的现在,是因为开始怀疑自己的将来。

过去。

曾经以为,自己的四年大学生活,是从废墟中为自己创造出的不可能:三年在上海,半年在香港,半年在德国。找寻任何可能的机会脱离自己原有的圈子,以寻找新的视角,新的生活体验。与此同时,让自己的经历看起来与众不同。回头看看以前的同学,还是被禁锢在原来的地方,生活在自己的小小世界,挣扎着,但是也盲目的满足着。然后就觉得,自己好特别,好有成就感……

但是这样,我就“赢”了么?

现在。

因为原来申请的项目没有成功,来到这个自己以前从没有听过的德国小城,学着自己并不太喜欢的研究生项目。心里还是咽不下一口气,想要脱离这里,就像从前想要脱离上海一样。一个“垫背”项目。这个名词词组,定下了我在这里学习的内容在我心里的基调:无聊,没劲,不是我想要的。所以,我要逃走,我要走。我突然又想起了萨比娜,一个永远在背叛,在逃离的人。她说,逃离是自己的天性,背叛自己曾经背叛的东西,是自己存在的意义。

我是不是也是这样的呢?一切的不满足,永远不会满足。填不满的无底洞。

是不是正因为如此,我才一直得不到自己想要的呢?还是,我从来都只想要我的不到的东西。

将来。

要是一试在试,还是到不了那个地方,怎么办呢?我还有别的选择吗?还是委屈自己,再找一个垫背的呢?我讨厌不能确定的感觉,可惜,我从来都不能确定。未来,是不可能被确定的吧。你永远都不知道事情会怎样发展。我喜欢可以预见结尾的迪士尼电影,但是对于那些自己猜不透,想不到结局的电影,有一种奇怪的瘾。我喜欢,因为那样更刺激。可是在被刺激的同时,我又绞尽脑汁,费尽心机的想要踩到事情的发展方向……

这就是我的宿命。

可是,必须要找到一条路。既然不习惯于走别人已经踏出的路,就要自己走出一条路。不论怎样,一定要冲出去。费尽力气也没关系。也许,这样拼命,才是我想要的生活。

越来越好

今天是还不错的一天。尽管早上的考试死定了。背下来人名,书和文章的名字,然后记住基本内容,甚至出版年份。我不知道这种考试的意义在哪里。考得不好,我也不后悔。

下午的exhibition还不错。我的视频压轴出场。很多人都被感动了。视频结束以后大家都鼓掌了很久。然后不断有人走过来跟我聊起视频有关的问题。有了很多有意思的对话,更进一步的了解了一些人。之后的自己终于感觉到sobered up。从未有过这样的一天,好像自己的社交事业有了惊人的进展。好像有过这么一次,是当朋友带我去一个酒吧同时见到了很多他的朋友们。但是那过去很久了,而且也没有留下再次见面的原因。

看看现在自己的中文写作,真的好尴尬。

不过生活还是充满潜力的,而且会越来越好。要相信。

忙中偷闲,闲得下来吗?

过了一个奇怪的周末。知道的总说各种各样的借口不想看考试的内容,但是后面还是要看的。离考试还有不到二十个小时,还剩五个chapter要看。看看就看看吧,死也不会死太惨。一切原因都在于这个周末,又是痛苦的挣扎什么的,想想都是不必要的麻烦。而已。

还是有收获的。重新发现了各种各样的博客什么的还是很好玩的。逐渐惊叹于这个时代,这个每个人都有强烈愿望表达自己,同时也有平台让他们表达自己的时代。可是,说的人越来越多,听的人越来越少。信息爆炸的同时,所有产生的,掠过人眼睛和耳朵的,之后都到哪里去了呢?

很不习惯这种感觉,好像是各种心情的混合。我不愿意说有些东西对我来说是很重要很重要的,却又是得不到的,这样就让我自己更想得到它。但是又不愿承认自己很想得到。所以就否认这些东西的重要性,说它不存在,不重要。我知道这种感觉不健康,但是又没有办法。

闲够了,尽量回到忙碌中去吧。忙了,烦恼的事情也就少了。

冬天來了,你离我不远了

鉴于qq空间没法儿用了,在德国飘的vivi坐着热气球,也只好在这里先安下窝来。也算有地方无病呻吟,倒苦水,同时也不要忘掉中文以及中文的写作。

谢了各位看客的光临。

德国的白天变得很短很短。下午四点,天就黑得不成样子。马堡地处山地,气候湿润。最近总是下雨,偶尔也下细细碎碎的雪粒。

马堡的圣诞集市在十一月二十九号正式开幕。白天,这个城市被大雾包围,待到阳光出来,人们才松一口气。嗯,今天总算见到一些阳光了。夜幕降临,寒气也渐渐逼人起来,整个城市却变成了另一个世界:到处都是圣诞饰灯,行道树上也都是的。每家每户的窗里都挂着星星形,或者是鹿形的灯。城市的每个重要的空旷地都竖起了很高很高的圣诞树,浑身被小灯包围着。圣诞集市最是灯火通明。在伊丽莎白教堂跟前的广场上,竖起大大的“圣诞集市”字样的灯(weihnachtsmarkt)。人们挤在一起,围着一个小桌站着,聊着天,偶尔吸一口手中的热红酒(gluehwein)。那也变成了最令我疯狂的地方。这个时候,也是我最想念波恩的时候。

我想念去年的这个时候,正是波恩国际模拟联合国(Bonn International Modul United Nations)的时候。我那个时候刚刚结束柏林之行,就踏入了另一个我人生中极为重要的一个活动。BIMUN之后,我在波恩的生活变了。无法忘记一个个晚上和朋友们在波恩的圣诞集市度过的时光。一杯杯热红酒,一个个咖喱香肠配小面包,或者是烤肠,还有Crepes, with kinder regel。

好期待马堡下雪。那将是一个真正的perfection。

重新回到德国短短两个月,却感觉过了好久好久。一直没有时间,机会,或者一口喘息的机会,上来更新一下自己的生活。这一次,甚至都没有时间或者闲情逸致自己做做饭,像上一次一样。整整一个月,找不到一个落脚的地方;学校的课程设置有点可笑;每周还要在两个城市之间跑来跑去,为自己始终坚持的梦想,再坚持一下。

还有好多好多。

还好,还好。马堡这个城市,给了我很多喜爱她的理由。她很美,是学生的天堂,是充满活力的古老大学。

可是,我还是经常离开。总是在路上。每当我回来,她还是在这里,静静的,持续的美好。有时候我也会问自己,当自己忙着关注眼前的那个目标的时候,会不会也忽视了眼前的美好。这也是一种错过,一种失去吧。可是,总还是要选择的。患得患失,终究什么都得不到。有的时候,就是要放手去争取,下定决心,就不后悔。

圣诞终于要来了。正式开始为期末奋斗了。之后,按照既定计划,回家吃火锅牛肉面!