I have been asking myself a question quite often lately: aren’t you tired of “starting new”? Don’t you want to give up “giving up” a plan?
I realize, nobody else in my social circle seems to being stuck in stillness, but me.
“Feeling trapped”. This is exactly what I’m feeling. And this is exactly what I want to get rid of. People say, if you feel like something’s got to be changed right now, do it, before you hit rock bottom.
But some people (I’m proudly to be one of them), who are used to letting themselves free fall, hitting the bottom, feeling the pain, and then skyrocketing back up, with the assistance of the force of back bounces.
And maybe, free falling again.
I was not scared of restarting the upwards effort. But I knew exactly where it would head to — which I hated. And I still do.
But then I panicked, finally. Because I realized how “okay” I feel about this vicious circle that was making me stuck here. I realized, nobody is absolutely irreplaceable in anybody’s life. But my life belongs to me. I’m never a fan of absolute statements. But that’s two absoluteness I can absolutely make.
I’m feeling numb.
If I were a limb, feeling numb like this, probably indicates that I’m becoming useless and not treatable anymore — that’s death for a limb.
So here you go. It’s getting harder and harder to feel the pain of not being who I want to be, the pain of not living the life as how I expect myself to life. It’s been so long since I’ve had any sense of self-fulfillment (not after I finished my Master Thesis). Or dating back to the first time I move to this dream city of mine — goal achieved. Now start enjoying the aimlessness.
And later suffering from it.
30 Days Writing Challenge – Day 1