On “finding oneself”

I bet I’m not the only one here who is (or has been) on the journey called “finding myself.”

Today I’ve decided that I have failed at finding myself in the last thirty years.

“I don’t know who I am.” I thought, “I have been watching other people and wondering how they’ve gotten to where they are today for too long, that I forgot to find who I really am and well… how I really am.”

This is a strange thought, right?

How can I not know who I am?

Why do I need to “find myself?”

What I mean by “finding myself” came from the thought “what am I? A marketer? A writer? A content creator?

I have not been successful doing any of those things. Can I even call myself ‘something’ before getting some positive result first?

Do I even want to be those things?

Why can’t I just live every day and enjoy it?

Why can’t I just give myself one day off — one day without letting myself feel worse than I already feel?”

Or, can I describe how I am with some adjectives?

Even this is too hard for me.

Or, what do I like to do?

I’m not sure. What I do in my free time changes with time, a lot.

You might say, I have some difficulty sticking to only one thing. (Hey that’s an attribute!)

Not all of us ever get to ask ourselves this question. “Who I am?”

Those are the ones who are lucky enough not to have to actively jump on the train called “finding oneself”.

They found it. Stumbled on it, maybe.

But if they are there, they don’t ever need to look back.

I’m not one of those lucky ones.

I have entered my thirties but I’m feeling more lost than I was in my twenties.

Where’s the “clarity” and “calmness” everyone was talking about being in their thirties?

People say we should experiment things in our twenties.

Different jobs, different places to live.

“Go travel!” They say.

“Go have fun trying things out! You will know what you are good at and what you like later!”

Well, I don’t believe everyone was exactly on that schedule.

As if their birthday comes and suddenly they stand firmly on their well-chosen ground and ready to do their best work.

Maybe it took some of us longer to try things out.

Maybe it took some of us longer to realize that something was not for us.

Maybe it took some of us longer to acknowledge that finding adjectives, or labels, to describe ourselves is meaningless. Because the words we use indicate more about how we wish we are than how we really are.

It’s about “wish”, not “fact” anyway.

So there’s no point to do that.

If we really want to find some words to point out to us who we are, we should ask the closest people in our lives. They will give us the answer. (Ask them to be brutally honest though.)

You might be described differently by other people. But only the closest people’s opinion matters to us.

So here I am.

I’m in my thirties and still trying to figure out my place in this world other than a mother, wife, and daughter.

I’m still searching for more things that excite me, move me.

Things that make me not mind having them become certain labels on me.

Labels on me that I will wish to have as well.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s