Memoir, old feelings, and new wishes

Maybe it was not the most important to have your memoir written as a statement for the court. 

Our brains alter our memories slightly or significantly to adjust to our current situation.

So how you are telling your stories from the past says less about how it was, but how you want it to be remembered now.

I want to write my memoir starting from my earliest memories. They are extremely fragmented that I’m having a hard time picking up anything else than very little pieces. I used to remember a lot of things from my early childhood. But now there are only “feelings” but no “scenes”.

Are those feelings also worth writing about?

How I felt excited when I was secretly awake during nap time at noon when I was in kindergarten.

How I felt scared when I really didn’t want to finish my bowl of noodles because I could taste ginger in the sauce. My mom was mad with me, and I cried.

How I felt confused when I couldn’t really cry at a funeral of a close relative because I didn’t know him well, even though I tried to cry like everybody else. And the only thing I remembered of him was how he looked at me – a long, long look. That made me sad many years later.

All these memories of “feelings” were from before I was five.

Now if I write them into my memoir, I will probably want to give meaning to them. 

Are they made-up memories? Maybe.

I’m sure the meanings will be made-up. And that’s ok.

Those meanings are my wishes.

Wishes for me, and that little girl who would become independent, loving, and spiritually close to her mother forever.