Ok, in this post I’m going to sound like a really old person:
I don’t want to say “my best time has passed” (even though by saying so I’m actually saying it). But I do miss how I used to feel when I was younger.
By younger, I mean, when I was in junior high, primary school, even kindergarten.
Not even high school. I already got too “grownup” when I was in high school. I was scared of how other people might think of me. I was timid; I hid so that people wouldn’t know how awesome I could be so that I could judge or admire those who didn’t hide.
I wouldn’t say I was fearless when I was young. 16 years old was a curse to me in that sense. What I want to find back is the version of me that was not yet ruined by the growing-up hormones.
I didn’t care what others thought of me. The less I care, the better results I got.
But I was a believer until I got disappointed.
Things were easier to accomplish when I was a believer.
Writing was easier to enjoy if it’s just about writing and building up stories in my head. No consequences. No time being wasted.
It’s a luxury to enjoy things as how it is. As doing, no thinking. As being, no trying to be.
My point being…
Is there anything I can do, anything at all, to get back those qualities of mine when I was a kid, but still be an adult, grownup woman, wife, and mother?
“Wanting to go back is resulted from not being ok with who you are. That’s why I never want to go back.” I used to say this in my early 20s.
Now I’m in my early 30s. What changed? Why suddenly being me as how I am is not good enough, and I want to travel back to my childhood to feel something good about myself?
If I’m not able to travel back in time, I want to be ok with who I am now.
The “peak time” I felt when I was younger was not because I was really at the peak. There’s no peak in life.
There’s only the peak of feeling. And feelings you can get back.
I don’t want to bother doing something that’s impossible to do — going back to be a kid, enjoying the luxury of not caring and not taking the weight of life on my shoulders.
I want to get back that feeling from not caring, just doing and enjoying, out of love and curiosity.
Find a job that doesn’t kill me. Or do my own thing that I enjoy and doesn’t starve me.
Life is so short. It might be even shorter than I expect. Don’t bother wanting to go back. The current me is worth loving too.