There are good days. There are bad days.
Today is one of those days which cannot be simply describe as “good” or “bad”.
Woke up late. But cleaned up my apartment and went swimming. Talked to my family in the afternoon. My mood was lightened up as soon as I made them laugh.
I’ve never studied psychology. But now I understand how important it is for a person to feel that they are needed, they are capable, they are worthy.
Many have been telling me (I myself as well), that there is no point of proving yourself to others. Because it is your life, glorious or sucking. The most important is how you feel about yourself, at this moment. But doing this wouldn’t necessarily mean that you are “feeling good about yourself and not caring about other people’s opinion”. Maybe, you are feeling good because you are enjoying saying and acting different from the vast majority who do care a lot about how the other people’s judgement.
After all, feeling different and special is also many people’s wish.
Coming back to how I felt today.
I felt guilty for getting up late on a Thursday. I felt bad because I’m still jobless. I felt shitty because I haven’t done sports for so long. So to sum up, I felt terrible. About myself and my life. Yet, everything changed when I made a joke while talking to my grandma on Skype. She laughed, I kept going, telling her all the funny things which she did when I was there the last time with her. She kept laughing. After hanging up, my heart became so light — the terrible feeling disappeared.
My life is still in a pretty bad shape right now. But somehow that stopped dragging me down. It’s like when you have a painting at home. It’s drawn by an old lover. You got it after a heart-wrenching breakup. When you first got it, you hung it on the wall behind your sofa. You looked at it every time when you passed by. And you felt sad looking at it. The paining had an impact on you, strongly and continuously. Every time.
But after a few months, you have gradually gotten used to the painting in your living room. You still look at it. But now, only seldom, you throw a glance over it. Maybe you have decided to move on, and really making it. Most of the time you are not even noticing that it’s there. The painting has lost the constant influence on your attention, let alone your emotion.
It is still there. But its impact on you has been decreased.
The suppressed influence of the painting on you has not been completely destroyed. It comes back, when you realize how much you are still loving him/her. The only way to completely stop the object from hurting you, regardless of other factors that you are not in charge, is to remove the object from your life. Or at least your sight.
I still need to hold myself together again, by doing everything which I believe, will make me feel less shitty about my current situation. Meanwhile, removing the reason to feel shitty is a grand action scheme which includes getting up early (the most important comes first), fulfilling at least 1 to 2 tasks daily, and most importantly, finding a job. (Or preferably, a PhD)
At the same time, I will need to pick up the little “pain killers” that prevent me from dropping in the self-pity and self-scorning pit again.
Go outside. It’s summer after all. The nature can only cheer you up.
30 Days Writing Challenge – Day 2