The Best Time is (if) Now

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My interview yesterday was, without any exaggeration, a disaster.

I’m not usually bad at interviews. In fact, I always give better impression and build connection with the people in a face-to-face situation. Being invited to an interview is already a step forward towards getting the job. I know. I was grateful for the opportunity. Yet, when I started to open my mouth talking to the three people sitting in front of me, looking nice but also sceptical, I realized, how unprepared I was.

All these years, what I’ve become is a person who believes herself to be someone that she’s not. Overestimating myself led me to underestimating the real world around me. The ”self” that I thought I was building in the past three years was nothing more than an hallucinating image of a strong, intelligent, and  out of the day-to-day self storytelling and a group of loving but sometimes misleading friends.  I finally got to know, yesterday at the interview, whilst I was talking — how unlogic I sounded, how unorganised my arguments were, and the self-doubt that I reflected from my unstable voice, clearer and clearer.

I failed myself. That’s the only idea I had when I walked out from that building after the horrific 45 minutes. I spent the whole day sitting in front of my computer, wondering what has gone wrong for the past three years.

I miss my years in the kindergarten. Focusing only on the present has made me fulfilled all the time — the emotions to the fullest — happy or sad. But the emotions were intensive but, very short. Like everything else, everything passes. I had dreams about ”when I grow up”. Because mother always talked about it: ”you can only do this, when you become a grown-up.” I did look forward to it, and tried to imagine how that’s going to be like. But my focus quickly changed back to the now and present. Never regretted, because I never looked back. I never needed to.

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I miss the time when I was in elementary school. Everything was so easy. I received so much praise for a little effort. An artecraft made of wool threads and a pencil, a dance show which I was the lead dancer as well as the director and choreographer… I could do anything and achieve anything, if I wanted. As far as the things I could influence by myself concerned, nothing was hard. All the classes, sport, dancing… I was always in charge, for myself. I decided what I liked and disliked. Having nothing to fear, I had faith in what I was capable of.

I miss the time when I was in my Bachelor’s in China. Getting up at 6:30 everyday, spending the whole day in the library reading and writing, going running 10,000 meters at 21:00, going back to my dorm, eating a yogurt, watching an episode of Fringe, and going to sleep — I was fighting for a goal, the most important but also upcoming goal. I wanted to escape from where I was. I didn’t belong there. I focused. I was fearless. For me, there was no plan B. For me, it wasn’t the best time, but that was the best version of me.

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Unlike the present I’m living in right now.

So what is the best time of my life? The best. I mean, for myself, not for some social standard created by others. When I doing nothing else but focusing on the present moment, and taking charge for that moment, and seeing myself as how I really am (merits and flaws), having a goal that I really, really, really want to achieve, and everyday doing something that leads the way to it — if these are not going to make me feel ok again, I don’t know what will.

So, I am living in my best time, if I decide to do all the mentioned things, now.

 

Taking steps is easy
Standing still is hard.

— Regina Spektor ”You’ve Got Time”

30 Days Writing Challenge – Day 3 (5 Days between day 2 and day 3 … the plan broke down again. But I will still do it. Let’s see how long time it’s going to take me finish this ”30” days writing challenge)

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