My interview yesterday was, without any exaggeration, a disaster.
I’m not usually bad at interviews. In fact, I always give better impression and build connection with the people in a face-to-face situation. Being invited to an interview is already a step forward towards getting the job. I know. I was grateful for the opportunity. Yet, when I started to open my mouth talking to the three people sitting in front of me, looking nice but also sceptical, I realized, how unprepared I was.
All these years, what I’ve become is a person who believes herself to be someone that she’s not. Overestimating myself led me to underestimating the real world around me. The ”self” that I thought I was building in the past three years was nothing more than an hallucinating image of a strong, intelligent, and out of the day-to-day self storytelling and a group of loving but sometimes misleading friends. I finally got to know, yesterday at the interview, whilst I was talking — how unlogic I sounded, how unorganised my arguments were, and the self-doubt that I reflected from my unstable voice, clearer and clearer.
I failed myself. That’s the only idea I had when I walked out from that building after the horrific 45 minutes. I spent the whole day sitting in front of my computer, wondering what has gone wrong for the past three years.
I miss my years in the kindergarten. Focusing only on the present has made me fulfilled all the time — the emotions to the fullest — happy or sad. But the emotions were intensive but, very short. Like everything else, everything passes. I had dreams about ”when I grow up”. Because mother always talked about it: ”you can only do this, when you become a grown-up.” I did look forward to it, and tried to imagine how that’s going to be like. But my focus quickly changed back to the now and present. Never regretted, because I never looked back. I never needed to.
I miss the time when I was in elementary school. Everything was so easy. I received so much praise for a little effort. An artecraft made of wool threads and a pencil, a dance show which I was the lead dancer as well as the director and choreographer… I could do anything and achieve anything, if I wanted. As far as the things I could influence by myself concerned, nothing was hard. All the classes, sport, dancing… I was always in charge, for myself. I decided what I liked and disliked. Having nothing to fear, I had faith in what I was capable of.
I miss the time when I was in my Bachelor’s in China. Getting up at 6:30 everyday, spending the whole day in the library reading and writing, going running 10,000 meters at 21:00, going back to my dorm, eating a yogurt, watching an episode of Fringe, and going to sleep — I was fighting for a goal, the most important but also upcoming goal. I wanted to escape from where I was. I didn’t belong there. I focused. I was fearless. For me, there was no plan B. For me, it wasn’t the best time, but that was the best version of me.
Unlike the present I’m living in right now.
So what is the best time of my life? The best. I mean, for myself, not for some social standard created by others. When I doing nothing else but focusing on the present moment, and taking charge for that moment, and seeing myself as how I really am (merits and flaws), having a goal that I really, really, really want to achieve, and everyday doing something that leads the way to it — if these are not going to make me feel ok again, I don’t know what will.
So, I am living in my best time, if I decide to do all the mentioned things, now.
Taking steps is easy
Standing still is hard.
— Regina Spektor ”You’ve Got Time”
30 Days Writing Challenge – Day 3 (5 Days between day 2 and day 3 … the plan broke down again. But I will still do it. Let’s see how long time it’s going to take me finish this ”30” days writing challenge)